Uber is bae.
You see, last week I went out to run some errands and I arrived at Ikeja City Mall in a yellow cab with no air conditioning in this Lagos heat. I was sweaty and my perfume had lost its effect due to all the dust and exhaust fumes I had been exposed to. At some point, I stopped at the food court to grab a bite and I noticed a lady checking me out from a distance. It must have been the beard (I hear some ladies think beards are to die for but what do I know?). Anyway, I made the mistake of closing the distance between us so I could make sure she was actually checking me out and see if I could introduce myself (big mistake). She immediately noticed my disheveled state and the sweat stains on my shirt and as if that wasn’t bad enough, my phone rang and she saw the angry looking Samsung grand I was using. Needless to say, she immediately lost interest. In fact, she changed her mind about eating at KFC and moved to another restaurant just so she wouldn’t be near me. I couldn’t even cry for myself at that point. I just jejely used style to order my food, pay and proceeded to eat in the most secluded corner I could find (in case she came back with her friends to show them the zoo exhibit she had just witnessed).