I don’t know if this applies to ladies but guys, if you break up with your girlfriend, you will always be the bad guy. This applies even if she was the most evil thing you had ever had the misfortune of coming across.
I have had two serious relationships in my thirty plus years. I say two because there are only two women I can truthfully claim to have loved so others don’t count as serious relationships in my book. Let me cast your mind back to some of my first posts, specifically the “broken by love series”. I lied when I said that story was a friend’s experience. I wrote that post as a way to help me heal something that was damaged a few years ago. Something I had not been able to fix because I never told the full story to anyone till then. I also added some fiction to throw people who might have an idea it was me off the scent.
For those of you never read those posts, this is the abridged version. I met and fell in love with this girl. During the course of a relationship that spanned three years and some months, I caught her cheating four times. The last incidence was the one that finally broke me. The one that made me come to my senses and push love aside for my own good. I broke up with her but somewhere in my heart, I was waiting for her to come back to me and make things right. I didn’t completely cut ties with her in hopes that maybe we could somehow mend what had been shattered. She was my first love after all.
She was serving at the time and I had hoped that she would get back to Lagos immediately after passing out and we could talk things out. But no, she first of all went to play in the North for a month and then came back to tell me she was sorry and wanted me back. By this time, I had practically finished shutting that door and only true remorse on her part could have shoved it open but she was still not saying/doing the right things. Even at that point, she refused to divulge the details of the people she had cheated on me with which led me to believe that she had not cut ties with them (this was later confirmed when one of them gave her brother a job and another offered her a job with his own company).
Anyway, she was hanging around quite a bit but I had become unresponsive and started getting close to another lady. The she found out that I had started a new relationship with said lady was the day it hit her that the games she was playing had backfired. That was the first and only time I saw anything resembling true remorse and brokenness concerning what she had done to me but it was too late. What was I supposed to do? Call off a relationship that was barely a week old? That was the last time we saw each other until a few years later.
Fast forward about two and a half years. Within that time, I had gotten engaged and broken off the engagement. Apparently she had been keeping tabs on me the whole time because she knew about the engagement. Anyway, we ran into each other at a function and reconnected. I thought maybe we could gradually become friends again. That was until the day we talked about how things ended between us. Now, I don’t like living in the past and up until that moment, the only person who knew the true details of why we broke up was my late mom. Even now that we were talking about it, I didn’t bring up accusations about the cheating. I just wanted us to leave that chapter in the past but as it turned out, she was accusing me of being the one who broke her heart. Come and see shock! Say what now?! Next thing I knew she was telling me I was foolish for leaving her the way I did. Somewhere in her twisted mind, I actually dumped her for another woman.
Let me put this in perspective. I broke up with her in January 2010 and started dating someone else in May 2011. Over a year and I DUMPED HER FOR ANOTHER WOMAN! How in the world did she think we were still dating for over a year when I never did any of the calling, I never took her out on dates, would ignore her calls and messages for extended periods of time, etc. I guess my mistake was not cutting her out completely.
Anyway, I later found out that while I protected her integrity all this years, she was going around telling people I left her for another woman. This was when it hit me that this girl was evil and I finally cut ties completely and categorically told my family members that if I should hear that any off them had any contact with her there would be a problem.
What still baffles me is how quickly she forgot how she tore my heart to shreds and only remembered that I broke her heart when I left her. What kind of selective memory is that one?
Something similar happened with my second serious relationship which led to engagement. Not that she cheated on me. The circumstances that led to the break up were totally different. What is similar is that today, as far she is concerned, I am the bad guy and she did nothing wrong. While I acknowledge that I could have handled things better with her, I also know that my reasons where valid but she doesn’t see it that way. With her I also tried to give time to see if things could be mended but she immediately started announcing the break up, deleting my family members from her social media, returning or giving way every single gift I had ever given her including a dress my step-mom gave her (with the tag still on it) and excusing herself from my sister’s bridal train. In short, she never gave me a chance to rethink my decision.
This post is already too long for my taste so I’ll reserve the full gist of that one for another day. What I need to know is; do all ladies reason like this? Do you all find a way to blame the guy even if you were the one who messed things up or at least played a significant role in damaging the relationship? I need to understand this so I know how to deal with it in the future.