WHY UBER IS MY NEW BAE

Uber is bae.

You see, last week I went out to run some errands and I arrived at Ikeja City Mall in a yellow cab with no air conditioning in this Lagos heat. I was sweaty and my perfume had lost its effect due to all the dust and exhaust fumes I had been exposed to. At some point, I stopped at the food court to grab a bite and I noticed a lady checking me out from a distance. It must have been the beard (I hear some ladies think beards are to die for but what do I know?). Anyway, I made the mistake of closing the distance between us so I could make sure she was actually checking me out and see if I could introduce myself (big mistake). She immediately noticed my disheveled state and the sweat stains on my shirt and as if that wasn’t bad enough, my phone rang and she saw the angry looking Samsung grand I was using. Needless to say, she immediately lost interest. In fact, she changed her mind about eating at KFC and moved to another restaurant just so she wouldn’t be near me. I couldn’t even cry for myself at that point. I just jejely used style to order my food, pay and proceeded to eat in the most secluded corner I could find (in case she came back with her friends to show them the zoo exhibit she had just witnessed).

Fast forward one week and I had to go to the mall again. This time I called an Uber cab. Before I continue, you should know that this is not a review and Uber has not paid me to advertise. Anyway, this time, I arrived in a Toyota Camry muscle driven by a well dressed driver who made sure that the air conditioning in the car was blasting at full strength. The smell of my perfume did not diminish one bit either. I arrived fresh and immediately got “the look” from several people. To them, I was one Lagos big boy arriving in his chauffeur driven Camry. The fact that I didn’t have to bring out cash to pay him (uber charges your debit card directly) only made the farce more convincing. This time, I was able to successfully flirt converse with the lady I met at the optometrist and shared a table with at the food court without her being repulsed at first sight. The best part? When it was time to leave, I was able to discreetly request another cab using the uber app and when the map showed that he was close, I called him a like I was calling my driver to come to the entrance to pick me up. I even offered her a ride to Maryland (her destination) since I was going to pass through on the way to my next destination. The driver too didn’t even need to be told before he added to the perceived swag (he was busy calling me sir and oga throughout).

The lady even offered her phone number before I could ask. Just wait till we fix a date and I roll up in a shabby yellow cab with no air conditioning.

I digress though. This point of this post was not to advertise my “ashawo behavior” but to recommend that if you need to get from point A to B and you don’t feel like driving or, like me, you don’t own a car, Uber is a pretty good go-to option. They let you know who is coming to pick you up, they send you his phone number, picture, car model and vehicle registration number via the app so you know you’re not entering one chance and best of all, they charge by distance and time spent on the road and the rates are very decent. No driver can inflate the fare because they have no control over it. Their drivers a clean, well dressed, polite and very careful on the road. It’s the most comfortable taxi ride you’ll ever get in Lagos. And for those of you who have too much money, they have Uber Black which provided executive SUVs for your riding pleasure.

One piece of advise though, if you know one route it definitely fast than the other, insist your driver take that one because I have a feeling they take the longer routes on purpose (just a feeling, not 100% sure). Regardless, their rates are still pretty good for the kind of ride you get.

NB

Disclaimer: Uber did not pay me to do this and Uber does not encourage “ashawo behavior”. I am in no way guaranteeing a good experience. I am simply narrating my own good experience.